Oohlalaz! An Immortal Jerky Dwarf-Thingy!
by Time Cutter
Summary: The short-tempered Peach, stupid-yet-smart Zelda, and mischievous-normal Samus were taking a 'nice stroll' through the Smash Garden, when an envelope lands on Peach's head. How convenient. And inside, is a note... and an immortal jerky dwarf-thingy. What was there to do, other than make this immortal jerky dwarf-thingy's life a living HELL? (Request fic by 'lollixlolli')
1. Immortal Jerky Dwarf-Thingies

**A story requested by **lollixlolli**. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Okay, guys, I've just got the greatest idea ever." Zelda said, staring with excitement and wide eyes at Peach and Samus.

The bounty hunter rolled her eyes. "We're girls, not guys."

"WHATEVER/" the Hyrule princess replied.

Peach giggled. "So, what is your idea, Zelly?" Peach asked.

Zelda smirked. "My idea is that, to pass off our boring times, we should stand here and wait for envelops with immortal jerky dwarf-things to fall out of nowhere!" she exclaimed. "How's that sound?" the princess asked. "Amazing? Awesome? Fabulous Superb?"

"Stupid." Samus replied, kicking dust from the ground at a peeping Captain Falcon. He ran away screaming, 'MY EYES! THEY HURT LIKE HELL!'

Suddenly, an envelop fell out of nowhere. It lands on Peach's head.

"Hm? What's this?" the Mushroom Kingdom princess asked.

Zelda glared at Samus, grinning. "I TOTALLY WON, YOU STUPID BOUNTY HUNTER! BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW QUEEN!"

The blonde turned red a bit. "Shut up... you're just lucky."

Peach gasped. "Guys! It's a letter inside an envelope!"

She took it out and started reading it.

"_Dear, WHOEVER ENDS UP GETTING THIS ENVELOPE._

_Inside it this note, of course, and my jerky ex- Collin. He's a jerky idiot who's very jerky. So jerky, that I decided to just shrink him. I've sent him to you girls so you can make his life a HELL. You can do anything you want to him- he is immortal, and will NEVER DIE. (Also, he hates feets. Especially the stinky ones.)_

_From, SOMEONE WHO JUST FELT LIKE DUMPING HER EX ONTO YOU GIRLS._

Samus grinned. "A new punching bag? Cool."

A small dwarf-thingy walked out of the envelope.

Peach raised an eyebrow. "How'd I not find him in the envelope?" she asked, but was ignored.

Zelda pointed at Samus. "I TOLD YOU THERE'D BE AN IMMORTAL JERKY DWARF-THINGY, SAMUS! NOW YOU SHALL SURRENDER TO ME!"

The bounty hunter, getting bored of the Hyrule princess' yaddayaddayadda, grabbed the dwarf-thingy and threw him at Zelda's face.

The princess screamed and stomped on his smal body, as small as a certain Oh Lee Mar was, and was crushed to nothing.

And... he somehow popped back up again.

"Gosh! What da hell is wrong wit you peoplez!?"

Peach observed him. "Hmm... looks puny. And weak. And ugly."

Zelda nodded. "And mad. And annoyed. And boring."

Samus smirked. "And whiny. And awkward. And-"

"We're ending this here, girls." Peach declared, rolling her eyes. Zelda and Samus snickered, high-fiving each other.

The dwarf-thingy GLAAAARED at them. Hey, what's with the caps-lock? Oh well. "You gals are mentally n'sane."

Peach bent down to his level. "Hello mister cranky. What's your name?"

"The letter said he's called 'Collin'." Zelda said.

Peach slapped her. "Shush! I'm asking his name, can't you see that!?"

Zelda made a baby face. "But... but...!"

"NO. BUTS."

She cried.

Peach went back to the dwarf-thingy.

"Ma name's Collin, ya hear? T's Collin! MASTER Collin!"

Peach twitched her eyes, but remained calm. "T-That's... nice... Mister Collin."

Collin slapped her, somehow even actually powerful enough to make her scream 'OW'. Oh, wait, that was just me adding power to his slap to make this story progress. "You shut 'yer mouth, dirty princess fraud!" he screamed at Peach.

A switch appeared besides Peach's head, somehow floating. Zelda, curious, flipped the switch to 'ON'.

"Oooohhhh SNAP!" Samus exclaimed.

The Mushroom Kingdom, angered by what Collin had called her, took out a Toad out of nowhere.

"Hello, Princess, may I help you today?" the Toad asked.

Peach smirked evilly.

"WHATCHA GONNA DO, YOU TOMBOY PRINCESS?" Collin exclaimed.

Two switches appeared besides Peach's head. Zelda flipped them all to 'ON'.

"Ooohhhh DOUBLE-SNAP!" Samus exclaimed.

Peach, _literally burning_ with rage, took out a frying pan and smacked Collin flat. "DIE!" she screamed. Then she lifted her pan.

And smacked it down.

Then lifted it up.

Smacked it down.

Lift it up.

Samus and Zelda shook their heads. As Mario and Luigi walked by, the two girls took their hats and kicked the plumbers away, shaking their heads sadly. "Rest in peace, Mister Immortal Jerky Dwarf-Thingy." Zelda said as the two held the two M and L hats on their chest.

After praying silently, they snickered and high-fived, Peach _still_ smacking Collin over and over.


	2. Tasty Smackity Smack Smacks

**A story requested by **lollixlolli**. Enjoy.**

* * *

Zelda screamed. Peach and Samus woke up in a jolt and quickly ran over to Zelda's bed... yes, they sleep in the same room. There was one room for ALL girls and bunch of other rooms are for separated male characters. Nana preferred to stay with Popo, and Jigglypuff wants to annoy the hell out of Mewtwo. So Zelda, Peach and Samus stays alone in the GIRLS-ONLY ROOM.

"ZELDA! WHAT HAPPENED!?" they both screamed, worried.

The Hyrule princess, shivering with fear, got off the bed and pointed to the left side of her bed- where a certain immortal jerky dwarf-thingy was sleeping. "There's some kind of immortal jerky dwarf-thingy sleeping on my bed!" she screamed.

Peach and Samus looked at each other. "...where'd he come from?" they asked, having apparently forgotten the dwarf-thingy already.

Speaking of the devil, he woke up.

"HEY! What's da matter wit you peoplez?" he shouted. "I'm sleeping right 'ere, huh?"

Zelda screamed again. She reached under Peach's dress (making her gasp and turn red) and took out Peach's frying pan, then smashed the dwarf-thingy over and over.

A light-bulb appeared over Samus' head, before it suddenly went out. She groaned. "I need light-bulbs..."

Peach smiled and replaced it with a new light-bulb.

Samus quickly regained her mischievousness or whatever. "I know! That dwarf-thingy was from that letter that conveniently fell onto Zelda's head yesterday!"

The Hyrule princess turned her head and looked at Samus, still smacking the frying pan. "Really?" she asked, continuing her attack.

The Mushroom Kingdom princess nodded. "Now I remember."

Zelda, _still_ smacking the dwarf, grinned. "Well, then I guess I should stop smacking this dwarf thing." she said.

Smack. Smack. Smack. Smack. Then she stopped.

Samus suddenly chuckled to herself with an evil grin. "Hey Zelda, did you know?"

"Yes?"

"If you smack little dwarf-thingies enough, an infinity amount of life-supplied candies will be warped to your room at night on the day you did so."

Smackity smack smack. Zelda continued smacking it.

Peach pouted. "Samus, that was mean of you." she said.

Samus smirked. "I don't care, it's fun."

The MK princess raised an eyebrow. "Someday, you'll suffer for your actions."

"Oh yeah? Well, _excuuuuuuuse__ me__, princess_, for liking these kinds of things."_  
_

Peach snapped and lunged at Samus. The two fought against each other, clawing their faces like cats. T'was a good thing their nails weren't long or sharp. Thank Ness for his nail-clipping prank.

FInally, they gave up.

"Hey guys!" Zelda called out to the two, _still_ smacking the dwarf with a frying pan. "Wanna smack this dwarf-thingy together with me? We'll get candies!"

The princess and the bounty hunter looked at each other. Then they shrugged, and decided to just join Zelda for the heck of it.

That night, a life-supply of candies warped to their rooms. (They won't share it with the dwarf-thingy though.)


	3. Makin' Moneys, Precious Money

**A story requested by **lollixlolli**. Enjoy.**

* * *

"SAMUS!" Peach called. "SAMUS!"

She cupped her hands around her mouth. Seriously, where was that up-to-no-good bounty hunter when you need her!? Pikachu walked out of a room in front of her. Oh, GOOD IDEA! She should probably... umm...

The princess suddenly noticed that the light-bulb above her head had no more energy and was now pitch black.

"Excuse me, Pikachu, but could you light my... light-bulb for me please?"

The mouse heard her and smiled. It nodded and a burst of electricity flew out of its body into the light-bulb.

_BZZZZZTTTTT!_

"Ah, thank you... now, I should probably ask him." she muttered to herself. Peach coughed twice. "Anyways, Pikachu, have you seen Samus anywhere?"

The mouse nodded again. It tried to talk, but could only say _Pika pi, pikapika chu chu!_

The Mushroom Kingdom princess rolled her eyes. "Umm... how about just pointing to where she is?" she asked.

Pikachu, who chuckled a bit, pointed to the room to his right- the room that he had just walked out of.

Peach stared. _...why the hell didn't I think of that!?_ she thought.

Shrugging it off, she patted Pikachu on the head and rubbed his head gently, pleasuring him. Then she walked into the room...

...to see Samus with a tied-up Collin (the dwarf). The other Smashers, lined up perfectly, was paying Samus with a bag of Smash Coins to receive permission to stomp Collin with their big smelly foot or shoes. Peach stared.

What made this even more surprising was that _ZELDA_ was also helping Samus receive money. AND THEY WERE SUCCEEDING.

A whole bag of money was behind them.

Another surprising fact was that _WARIO_ was also paying, not asking for a cheaper price (100 Smash Coins), and _not_ trying to steal the bags of money. He was repeatedly buying permissions to stomp on Collin, who was immortal.

"SAMUS!"

Samus spun her head to see Peach. Everyone else did too.

"Oh, hey Peach. Wanna help us?"

Peach walked over to Samus and slapped her. "What kind of an idiot are you!? You're using advantage of this poor dwarf just to get money! Even I wouldn't go that far!"

Samus looked at her like she was crazy.

Peach sighed. "...is this about wanting that new _Freeze-Ray Blaster_ thing on WallMart?" the princess asked.

The bounty hunter shook her head. "No, it's about wanting that new toy that Nana wanted for a long time."

Zelda giggled. "You would've smiled and said 'Awww...' if you saw Nana squealed _so happily_ after we said we'd buy it for her!"

Peach sighed yet again. "...can't you use some other ways to receive money?"

Collin, the forgotten immortal jerky dwarf-thingy, piped up. "YEAH, SPEAK UP FOR ME YOU DIRTY TOMBOY PRINCESS! GET THESE BUFFALOES TO STOP TORTURING ME LIKE THI-"

Peach stomped onto Colling, handing over all the Smash Coins she possessed to Samus. "DIE." she roared as she continued stomping on Collin repeatedly, the other Smashers watching with interest (while sweat-dropping).

* * *

Nana held Samus' hand in her left, and a toy plushie in her right. It was a plushie of Pichu. She was enjoying the presence of it so much.

Zelda, who was walking alongside Samus' left side, giggled. "Aww, look at her... she's so happy and cute now!"

The bounty hunter nodded as she smiled too. "Yeah. It's quite nice to see her happy."

Nana looked up at Samus. "Thank you, Miss Samus!" she said happily, hugging the Pichu plushie.

"You're welcomed."

As they continued walking, they gasped at the sight of the mansion.

It was totally wrecked, and almost all of the Smashers were sitting in front of the entrance gate, eating popcorns and such. ROB / Ancient Minister, the leader of the Smash Mansion, was out on vacation.

And the 'show'-like action they were watching... was a wet-haired Peach, hit by a water balloon, chasing a laughing mischievous Collin.

Zelda simply stared. "...Minister's soooo gonna kill us."

Nana rolled her eyes. "We know that, Princess Obvious." she smirked at her joke, receiving the mischievous personality from Samus.

The Hyrule princess raised an eyebrow, as Samus high-fived Nana, the two snickering.


End file.
